I was recently watching a kid’s show with Regina called “Team Umi Zoomi”. These kids and their robot friend run around performing heroic deeds using math, geometry and pattern recognition. One of the characters is Dormouse, (actually he’s “Door Mouse. It’s a play on words- he is in charge of all the keys that open doors). You could say he’s in charge of security for Umi City and he can be a stickler for rules (as any chief of security ought to be). Often times he is an obstacle the kids must overcome in order to complete the mission. However, there is the occasional exception. This particular episode took place at a museum. Door Mouse was there and was about to take his lunch break. He dropped his cheese and it began rolling away. He chased it into a display featuring a rocket. The doors shut behind him when he ran in (saw that coming!). He inadvertently started up the rocket and it blasted off into space (saw that coming too!). Guess what? Door Mouse needed help! I was watching him wailing, “Help me Team Umi Zoomi! The rocket is going to crash!”

And I’m here like, “You know what Door Mouse? You’ve been nothing but a d#*k with these kids since day one. All they want to do is save the day and you’ve done nothing but impede their missions. Suddenly you throw aside your security duties to chase one piece of cheese into a rocket right before it blasts up into space and you need to be rescued? Oh! I don’t see you demanding credentials for clearance now! Suddenly I don’t see you withholding entry until they solve some rudimentary math problem. I don’t see you getting in their way now! Come on! Considering your track record, I’d like to see you give these kids one reason, ONE reason, to save your pathetic butt. And while I’m at it, didn’t anyone think to, oh I don’t know, deactivate the rocket before making it a museum piece? Call me crazy, but I would have at least emptied the gas tank!”

Then we were watching Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood together. Daniel Tiger and his BFF “O” the Owl are on a nature hike. For the record, nature hikes are NEVER anything like they are portrayed anywhere, but I digress…Daniel Tiger and O the Owl are on a nature hike. O the Owl is grossed out that woodpeckers eat bugs.

Is he joking? He’s an owl! He literally pukes up the indigestible parts of the critters he eats, more often than not, he eats these critters with violent and gory gusto. What’s worse is owls don’t even use a trash bin. They just lean out over the branch they’re perched on and cough up these owl pellets, medieval bedpan style. There could be piles of these things all around the tree they live on.

This owl is grossed out by woodpeckers eating bugs? Hello kettle! This is the pot calling! That is what did it for me. Daniel Tiger is obviously a fictional show.

This coffee is delicious! Gimme another one!

Since I’m on a tear here, let’s address PJ Masks! Shouldn’t they be in bed? Stop defending them! I know they’re superheroes, but they are also kids. I’m all for saving the day and all, but seriously, there are some long term health issues ahead of them. They’ve done studies pertaining to this! What about their schoolwork? How can their grades not be suffering? Where are the parents? Don’t they check in on their kids while they are sleeping? So many questions!

Reggie was rolling her eyes the whole time. “I want to watch something else Daddy.”

“Sure thing! What do you want to watch now?” She got an anxious look on her face, with some trepidation she requested Peg + Cat. “Peg + Cat? Well…actually, I got nothing. Peg + Cat is great! It’s smart and clever! I especially like that opera singing Pig. Does he have a name? What’s his name Reg?”

“Pig.”

“His name’s Pig?

“THE Pig.”

“He’s just called The Pig? That’s pretty funny. You know, I’d Love to be a part of their writing team!”

Annie patiently listened to all of this, never interrupting. When I was finished, she simply said, “Hun, you really need that fishing trip this weekend.”