There is a movie I have been struggling to watch for a while now, 15:17 to Paris. It’s about a trio of young American Servicemen who, despite being off the clock, run straight into danger and subdue an attempted terrorist attack.

Unfortunately it is looking like one of those “cursed movies” for me. Cursed in that I do not think I will ever see this movie from beginning to end. Either I fall asleep (not from the movie but rather from exhaustion) or I am interrupted by a fight upstairs, science projects, Home projects…life in general.

At least I can look up the movie! As I scrolled through the Wikipedia Page I noticed the cast includes Jenna Fischer and Judy Greer. My eyebrow perked up. I’ve had crushes on both of these ladies over the years. Who do they play in the movie? Girlfriends? Wives?

Wait. Mothers?

Judy Greer plays Spencer’s Mother? Jenna Fischer plays Alek’s Mother?

Funny joke there Clint Eastwood. Judy Greer and Jenna Fischer playing mothers of dudes in their twenties. They’re not old enough to play moms!

That Clint Eastwood, what a funny guy.

Say, how old are Judy and Jenna anyway? More importantly, it appears that I am on a first name basis with these two now. I clicked on their pages. Yeah! Just as I thought, Jenna is less than a year older than me, and I am just a few months older than Judy. What the heck was Clint thinking? Judy and Jenna are girlfriend material! They’ve both spent time on my Hollywood Crush list. They are certainly not mother material!

Let me just do the math here…these servicemen were born in 1992, which means that Jenna and Judy would have been…Oh. Well, I suppose they are old enough to be the mothers of these guys. Hmm.

That means I am old enough to be a dad to these guys. I began thinking harder about it all. I opened a new tab, “what is the average age of the Chicago Bears?” (My favorite team). They average out to 25.85 years old. They are also young enough to be my sons.

That can’t be. I’m cool, I’m young, I’m…

“Would you like paper or plastic sir?” echoed through my recent memory

Wait. What? Did that kid just call me “Sir”?

When was the last time I was carded? Since when did “Smells Like Teen Spirit” start playing on the Classic Rock Station? Why must they call it “90s Night” on the radio as if it’s a thing to keep us Gen Xers from complaining about today’s music.

“You know, you don’t need the radio anymore. You can just stream music…”

“I know! I know I can ‘just stream music!’ I don’t think I’m appreciating your tone you little…”

I’m not an old man! But when I’m done working late downtown, walking back to my car, I’m getting tired just watching these kids getting hammered. Yes…they are kids! They shouldn’t be getting drunk! What’s that? They’re in college? Seriously?

I’m not old (why do I keep saying that?). But I am very far away from that kid with the abs shot-gunning cheap beer. He probably won’t even have a hangover when he wakes up. I’m middle-aged. I’m making plans with friends to get together in two or three months because it’s hard to schedule around the kid’s extracurricular activities. I’m starting to eye up shelving kits at the hardware store. My flannel shirts are no longer a fashion statement. Now it’s a sensible and practical choice. After all, it’s a bit chilly outside! It’s happened. I’m no longer young and cool.

But I still got it! Just last week, I was working on a gig at the Local Community College and a young lady kept approaching me to talk to me.

“Do you think she was…flirting with me?” I asked my wife Annie (she’s way sexier than that young lady at work, and Bonus! Annie thinks Counting Crows is a cool band.)

Annie smiled, “Sounds like it. I’m guessing you might fit her tastes. That’s kind of cute actually.”

“Tastes?”

“Yes.” Annie sighed, realizing there was no diplomatic way to put it, “She probably has a thing for older guys.”

It wasn’t a crushing realization…just a realization. I was left deep in thought. My first paycheck is older than some of the kids I work with these days. Most of these kids probably never knew what life was like before the invention of the Chicken McNugget.

All I can do is shrug and lean into it. With age comes wisdom! Right? Case in point: somehow over the years I have managed to acquire about 284 undersized and barely useful bungee cords. Last week I actually had a use for a couple of them but they were in a tangled-up bird’s nest in the bottom of a milk crate in my basement. I regressed into an impatient and younger version of myself. Young me became very frustrated and began pulling at the nest in an effort to liberate a couple cords. It was at that moment that older me quietly stepped forward, put his hand on the shoulder of young me and said “really?” That was when the image of one of these bungees springing loose and taking out my eye was conjured up. I stopped and began to patiently fish out the two bungees I needed. “Told you so” is becoming an increasingly common phrase for me.

So at least there’s that!

To Jenna and Judy…I’m sorry. It never would have worked out. I’m a happily married man. But don’t fret too much, you two still got it! Cue: double finger guns.

Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to crank up some Jane’s Addiction and put my cheaters on to read a really funny meme.