I sometimes wonder what my thoughts would have been if pre-parent me were to be given a glimpse of modern me. What would he be thinking?
He, (pre-parent me) would witness me (modern me) taking out the trash:
“What’s with the long tubular blue-tinted trash bag?” He thought.
I stopped and looked at him with a wry smile, “This is poop!”
“Did you just read my mind?”
“I didn’t need to. You are me. I just know what you’re thinking.”
“Okay… that’s kind of cool. Kinda creepy? What am I thinking now?”
“Stop that, you pervert. That’s my wife you’re thinking about.”
“Oh! Sorry about that.”
“No worries, she’s your wife too.”
“Heh, I suppose. Did you say that is poop?”
“Well not all of it is poop, there’s a lot of pee in here too. Bundled up in diaper-sized portions.” I gave it a heft, “Yeah, maybe forty pounds of it actually. I let it go pretty far this time. I’d let you try lifting it, but I think the weight would surprise you and you’d drop it. And these things can burst open…yes, you’ll figure that out the hard way, like everything else you’ve had to figure out.”
“That’s disgusting.”
“Yes.” I replied as I dropped it into the trash can, “Very disgusting. Come in and join me for a cup of coffee.”
“Thanks!”
“Don’t mention it! After all, we’re addicted to this stuff!” We sat down with our cups, I took a deep breath, “Listen. I know you are looking forward to being a parent. I know you think you are ready for the diapers and all. But you’re not. I’m sorry to be giving you this news. I also know you’ve been given unsolicited advice everywhere you’ve turned, some welcome, some not so much. Warnings about diapers are the most frequent and you’ve been shrugging them off, but I am fairly certain you’ll heed my advice, I mean, no one knows you better than me. Right? If you don’t take my advice, then you’re even more stubborn than I figured.
I know you think you’ll be dealing with lots of diapers. I gotta tell you, the number in your head is kind of cute. You actually can’t fathom just how much human waste you will be hauling out to the garbage. You seriously don’t know.
Actually, bowel activity and waste quantity will be one of your biggest shocks as a new parent. You will not only be surprised by how many diapers you will be going through, you will also be shocked at the capabilities of the poop. I mean, dude…you will wiping poop out of armpits.”
“Whose armpits?”
“You think you’re clever, don’t you? I’m not going to tell you if you’re having a boy or girl, I’m also not telling you if you will have more than one. So stop it, now. You can’t fool me because…well, you are me. That and you’re not all that clever. But that will change, you’ll become more clever, parenthood forces you to become more clever, so I am actually more clever than you. Give it up. Also, enjoy your hot coffee while you can. After you become a Dad, you will never finish a hot coffee ever again.” He frowned as he looked down at his cup.
I went on, “Anyway, don’t feel bad. It’s not just you. I don’t think any parent is ever truly prepared for the amount of waste they will be dealing with.”
“Sounds miserable.”
“At face value, it does. But it’s not that bad. I know this sounds weird, but I have a hypothesis about parents having a wired-in tolerance of their own kid’s poop. I am disgusted by the scent of other kid’s poop. But mine? Eh…it’s fine. If my hypothesis is not correct, then I guess I simply deal with it so much that the scent stopped bothering me. Personally I think the hypothesis is way more interesting. But here’s the thing with you. You…you have a sense of humor. For you, it will become a (mostly) funny thing. You’ll actually start making a game of it. By the time the kid is around six months old you are going to take great pride in your ability to clean up with just one baby wipe. Six months old is like the Goldilocks zone for one-wipe cleanup, the amount produced plus the size of the butt is just right. You’re going to think you got this whole diaper thing down. Then…it will all end when the kid moves from Mom’s milk, formula and baby food to solid food. Solid food equals actual poop.”
“Wasn’t it actual poop the whole time?”
“Yes…but not what you think. Before the solid food, it’s this yellow stuff that is liquid…but it’s a liquid that is really trying to be solid, it can get kind of chunky. It wipes up nicely, but it can travel several meters and stains everything it touches. A couple times I think it stained things it never touched. After solid food, the kid will start launching actual turds at you and that short little one-wipe cleanup span of time will end.”
“My coffee is nearly empty.”
“No refills, you’ll be heading back Home when it’s done.”
“Heh, aren’t I Home right now?”
I smiled, “Not yet.”
“Well, I tried. So do you have any other bits of advice for me?”
“Do not ever scratch your itchy nose while changing a diaper. Who am I kidding? You will do it. More than once. Anyway, time for you to head out, and it is time for me to pull our kid out of the crib. Nap time’s nearly over.” I chuckled. “That day was pretty funny. You were smelling poop everywhere. You kept looking. You didn’t figure it out until you looked in the mirror. You’re an idiot.”
“I’d like to disagree with you, but you’re difficult to argue with.”
“Don’t I know it. Anyway, get out of here. She’s pregnant and she’s missing you.”