“Know thyself, know thy enemy. A thousand battles, a thousand victories”
-Sun Tzu

“Daddy, I want to cut you.”
“What’s that Hun?”
“Pleeeeeeeeease!”
“Please? That’s simply a word. I need more than that if I’m going to understand you.”
“Please let me cut you!”
“Fine.” I put the final dish into the washer and tossed the towel onto the counter. I stepped into the Living Room to see Reg holding a foam sword and gesturing to the floor.
“Way down Daddy.”
“What? I’m supposed to just lay down and let you hack me up like a side of ham? I don’t think so. You need to earn that right.” She rolled her eyes, took a step back to give me room and she went from a butcher’s position to a warrior’s stance (or at the very least, her take on what a warrior’s stance would look like). I raised my arms and bellowed as ferociously as I could muster.
“No! Nooooooo! Too woud! Too scary! Be a quieter monster.”
“Somehow I don’t think Lancelot was able to pull off these same demands…”
“I’m not Wance-ah-wot! I’m Ahgina”
“Okay…Regina. Are you a knight?
“Knight Ballet Ahgina”
“Oh! Ballet as well. Sir Regina the Indignant?”
“Yeah. That wokes. Now way down so I can cut you.”
“You gotta kill me first.”
“Ugh! Fine.”
I bellowed again, even louder. She shrieked and pointed her sword at me. I lunged at her (slowly) and (guess what?) I missed. She (deftly?) dodged me and dragged the blade across my flank, I howled in response.
Then she disappeared, leaving me confused. What was even more confusing was the suppressed giggling sound I was hearing directly behind me. I slowly turned, searching for her. What was with that giggling sound? Just as I gave up, and slumped my shoulders in defeat she appeared out of thin air, shrieked an oath and cut my leg.
This was twice she managed to dupe me. I dropped to my knees, because that’s what you do when a leg gets chopped off. This was the final confrontation. As the Spartans used to say, “Come Home with your shield or on it”. It was beginning to look like I would be ending up on my shield. I growled at her, she hissed back at me. I spread my arms wide to attack (and maybe possibly leaving my entire front vulnerable) She apparently saw this window of opportunity and plunged the sword through my ribs. I gasped in shock as I let loose with my death rattle and fell forward, on top of her.
It took a solid minute before she was able to wrench herself out from under me and an additional thirty seconds before she managed to pull the sword out as well. With an incredible struggle she managed to roll my body over onto my back.
“Now I cut you!” She screamed as she raised the sword over her head.
Plot twist! I was only pretending to be dead! I saw my own opportunity, and I took it (I happen to know a thing or two about Sir Regina the Indignant, she is a ticklish knight). As she was raising her sword I attacked her exposed arm pit. She was so shocked by this that she dropped her raised sword down on top of her head.
So much for Sir Regina! Ha!
I thought I had this fight in the bag, but she was too quick and recovered her sword before I could finish her off. She might have fumbled with the sword by the edge a number of times…I can’t be sure, I missed it. She was that fast.
She then began hacking at me. As if that wasn’t humiliating enough, she made me yell “ow!” every time she hit me with the sword. She laughed, kind of maniacally each time.
I’m being serious here. Her laugh became a little frightening.
After what felt like fifteen minutes of being chopped up, she stopped. “I’m done being Ballet Knight Daddy. I want to be Princess now. Help me into my dress…PLEASE!”
“Are you going to help me up?”
“Help yourself. I’m taking five.”
(Harsh)