One thing that consistently irks me is the time-honored convention of Dads being clueless bumbling buffoons. The perception is beginning to die off, but it still pops up every now and then. I suppose it’s time for me to address another one: The hyper protective boy-hating Dad of a Daughter.
This image has appeared on my time line many times over the years.

In the beginning I would just roll my eyes and continue scrolling. But each time, I found it bothering me a little more. It’s not that I find it offensive. My being offended plus $.49 will get you a postage stamp. It’s that I don’t see any humor in it. And if there is no intended humor, then I find it terrifying.
Before I go on…I’d like to address each of these “rules’.
1. Get a Job
-Let’s just start with this being a bold and unfair assumption and leave it at that.

2. Understand I don’t like you
-Way to start off on the right foot there!

3. I’m everywhere
-No. You are not. It’s literally impossible and any attempts at it are ridiculous and kind of creepy.

4. You hurt her, I hurt you
-Great! So Dad’s been charged with assault! Now he and the young suitor can be cellmates! Furthermore, does this count if it’s an accident? What if their heads collide as they pick a quarter up off the ground? Seriously man, stop sucking in your gut. You’re fooling no one.

5. Be Home thirty minutes early
-Why did you even bother with a curfew? This just confuses the whole thing.

6. Get a Lawyer
-After reading these rules, damned straight I’m getting a lawyer! Two Words: “Probable Cause”.

7. If you lie to me, I will find out
-This one goes with #3. How will you find out? Are you going to do a 21 Jump Street and start asking around at the High School?

8. She’s my princess, not your conquest
-And this one goes with #1. Again with the assumptions! Just because you might have been a jerk at his age doesn’t mean he is. Here’s something to consider, get to know the kid!

9. I don’t mind going back to jail
-Wait, what?

10. Whatever you do to her, I will do to you
-You may want to be careful making a promise like this. You might end up having to buy flowers and dinner at the Olive Garden and then not-so-gracefully slow dance in a gymnasium. Or wait! This is a potential threat to…Oh my goodness. No. Don’t make this promise.

I don’t plan on having “rules” such as this. Sure, there will be curfews and things like that. But automatic dislike? Assumptions of the worst? Threats of violence?
Don’t get me wrong, there’s a big chest-thumping Dad-Ape version of me that’s ready to jump out and scream at and destroy anything that poses a threat to my daughters. However, the Dad-Ape isn’t actually needed, and has never been needed and realistically (God willing) will never be needed. I’m not a violent person. I don’t need to be, I’m an adult.
It’s insulting to the suitor. Sure, all this Dad may see, or all he may choose to see is a hormonal young male who wants nothing more than to score because that’s what he sees his younger self being. We tend to be harsh judges of ourselves. All of us young males had girls and boobs on our minds, heck, I still think about boobs! And I can see a Dad with a daughter fixating on those traits. But weren’t we all a little more than that? When I look back, sure I got into some trouble, but I wasn’t a bad kid, I might have been a bit mouthy at times I suppose. I earnestly look back, I think I was actually a pretty kind-hearted kid.
There might be a bigger picture. It’s easy to only see all the flaws, it’s easy to turn any young man into an out of control humping machine. But, that young man is also a son. He might be a son with Loving parents, parents who might have taught their son to respect others…all others, including your daughter.
I think it’s even more insulting to the daughter. You are assuming she’s made a bad choice for a date. You are assuming she will make bad decisions during the date; you are assuming she’ll be victimized. If you feel the need to protect her to this kind of a degree, to protect her from what may very well be her choices…is it possible you might be compensating for some bad parenting earlier on?
And then there are all those threats of violence! I’m too old for violence, I can get the job done better in other ways. I have no use for rules like these. All of these rules imply a daughter who is destined for victimhood and I’m not raising victims! I am raising our daughters to have enough self-respect and situational awareness to not put themselves in the company of persons with malicious intent. I am raising daughters who are learning how to make lifelong friends, friends that would help them out of an unspeakable situation. I am raising daughters who will know how to say “stop”, will know how to say “no” and will know how to take charge of a situation. They will know how to put a knee up into a groin, scratch, bite wiggle, scream, and defend themselves in all ways possible. My youngest is already showing an unsettling talent for causing pain!
You know what? Before I go on, I need to revisit #9, the one about not minding going back to jail. So let me get this straight, you don’t mind abandoning your family? You don’t mind leaving your wife to raise your children without you? Round of applause for being father of the year!
But I digress…

JFK once said, “To have a child is to give fate a hostage.”
I have seen a few different discussions and interpretations of this quote. My interpretation of it basically centers around the idea that no matter how hard you try, your child may not end up the way you intended, and you must accept that fact, your child is as unique as you are, and that means your child is different from you. You need to understand that this beautiful little bubble of joy is going to grow up, and she will someday have to meet the great wide, sometimes cruel, world, and things will happen to her that you cannot protect her from. You need to understand that no matter how much you talk about sex and drugs and alcohol, you cannot prevent your kid from experimenting. Kids are stupid. I did stupid things as a kid, you did stupid things as a kid, and our kids are going to do stupid things.
So what do we do? We do the best job we possibly can, with the understanding that someday your child will step out of your nest. Fate, maybe it’s fate…Fate and life choices will take over and will escort your child toward wherever they are meant to be.
Parenting has forced me to be a better person. It has forced me to keep my temper in check. Parenting has forced me to become more patient, more empathetic, more thoughtful and gentle. I want my daughters to fall in Love with someone who is Loving, loyal, strong, honorable, gentle and compassionate. For my daughters to know what that person is like, they will need an example.
That’s my job. My job is to be the kind of man I want my daughters to fall in Love with. If they do that, then chest-pumped posturing rules like these won’t be necessary.