“Daddy?”
“What’s up Hun?” I replied as I stirred her oatmeal.
“Reg and I were playing restaurant, I was trying to show her how to carry a plate and she didn’t want to do it that way.”
“Well, perhaps you should let her carry it her own way.”
“She did it wrong! And then she got mad at me and pushed everything off the table!”
I put down the spoon, I put both hands on the kitchen counter and counted to ten.
“Lydia…I have a thousand things to deal with today. I need to get your Mom’s Farmers Market Booth loaded into the van, I am volunteering at Church this afternoon, I need to get things packed for our camping trip, the first day of school is in four days, and our house is a wreck. Oh yeah, and Mommy is sick from Lyme Disease. I’d say you and your sister scamper to me tattling about fifteen to twenty little fights a day. I seriously cannot afford to be interrupted every twenty minutes to break up every single spat you two have, especially the ones that you two can solve yourselves. What is more important to you? Do you want me packing for the camping trip? Or do you want me to talk to Reggie about her explosive disagreement with you?”
“Camping Trip.”
“I thought so. Did Regina harm you?”
“No.”
“Are you physically injured?”
“No.”
“Burned?”
“No.”
“Maimed?”
“What’s Maimed?”
“Uhm…bleeding a lot, missing or mutilated body parts.”
“I don’t think so. What’s mutilated?”
“Never mind that. Are you hurt?”
“No.”
“Was your disagreement actually worth all of this trouble?”
“Not really.”
(she’s giving me the answer she thinks she should give…it hasn’t sunk in. Counting to ten again!)
The first day of school is fast approaching, things have been nasty around here. The girls are officially on each other’s nerves and as a result they are officially on my nerves as well.
This maddening pattern of fights was a slow build up over the course of summer. I was exhausting myself trying to get to the bottom of each and every conflict. Who started it? Who allowed it to continue? Where does the blame lie? Adding to that challenge is knowing who I’m working with.
Two short (and cute) Sociopaths. That’s who.
And all the while, chores remain unfinished.
Despite the thousand things I need to do, I still try to give each conflict as much attention as I can afford. Some days are better than others. When dealing with children and the conflicts that erupt between them, I have to accept the fact that there is no such thing as one being innocent and the other being guilty. Rarely, almost never, is it ever that simple.
Sometimes Reggie starts the fight and Lydia reacts in kind. Sometimes Lydia starts the fight and Reggie reacts in kind. On occasion one of our daughters is having a grumpy day and will see to it that the rest of us knows. It’s a fair warning, and most of us give the moody one her space until conditions improve. I say most of us, because there have been times where the other daughter will deliberately pick a fight when they become aware of the other’s bad mood.
That’s the crap that drives me crazy. Those are the moments where I need to have an interrogation and figure out who started it and who continued it. There might be varying degrees of guilt, but both girls are still guilty in the end.
Before parenting, I fancied myself as being capable of quick and simple resolutions involving cut and dried situations, one’s guilty, the other innocent.
That could not be further from the truth. I have learned that I can’t take a side. If I side with Lyd all the time, Reg will feel neglected and will begin acting out even more. I know Lydia sometimes resents Reg and what she considers favoritism toward her little sister. Whether or not there is actual fairness, it’s arguably more important that both parties feel like they have been treated fairly.
Just give me a few minutes of peace! Is that asking too much?
Regina is moody, she’s an instigator. Lydia can be controlling. When they are in bad moods, the fighting can be nearly constant
At the end of the day, different as they are, they are still sisters, and I would never hold their flaws against them. There are moments where those girls will throw tantrums, and though it might be a notable part of the day…I need to remind myself of the ten-thousand moments throughout the day where there were no tantrums, where there was no fighting, those ten thousand moments where they are being sweet, Loving, and funny.
My girls are good kids who have bad moments, they are human after all. I still Love them both endlessly.
I work hard to encourage them to resolve their own differences on their own. Someday those girls will not have us around to do such things for them. After days like yesterday, I’m hoping they figure it out soon!
Emotions run high and under thin skin with kids, particularly when they are both firmly convinced that they are right and the other is wrong. When in reality, both are right and wrong.
I have complete faith that someday my children can accept their differences as well as their similarities and treat each other with civility and respect.