Dear Tony Stark,
I’m not as adept at technology as I wish, so I guess this is why I am appealing to you here. I think you should take a break from putting on your Iron Man Suit. I think you should take a break from fighting interdimensional bad guys, robots with God complexes and doing heroic things like…Oh, I don’t know. Saving the world?
Instead, let’s focus on my kid for a few minutes.
If you want to be a real hero, I am imploring you to create what I have dubbed the Iron Kid Suit. Sounds cool! Doesn’t it? (If you stick with the name, I’d Love to get some royalties on this.)
Basically, picture a kid-sized version of your Iron Man Suit, but without the weapons or the super strength, because that would pretty much defeat the purpose (now I’m picturing my youngest with Iron Man strength…she could destroy the Avengers).
In fact, I want my daughter to have zero control of this suit. I want the suit to be controlled from an app on my smart phone.
Here are some of the features I’m picturing.

-GPS
I think this would be an obvious feature. You know where the kid is at all times! In addition to the GPS, perhaps you could set a perimeter, 40 feet, 20 feet, 10 feet, or right at your side, the suit will not go beyond a set distance from your phone.

-Stranger Danger!
I’d like to see a Stranger Danger setting. Maybe the Iron Kid app can be allowed to have access to your contacts. You could click on “Iron Kid Friendly” for Parents, Grandparents, Friends and Family. If an adult who is not “Iron Kid Friendly” attempts to run off with your kid, the suit goes crazy. Fireworks would be kind of cool.
Actually, the more I think about that, fireworks could be a terrible idea. Something loud, maybe the would-be-kidnapper could get sprayed in lime green dye.

-Iron Kid TV!
Maybe the suit can come with Netflix or Disney Jr. The mask can project from inside, Paw Patrol or…perhaps something from Marvel Studios?
Oh yeah, educational stuff too, no one’s going to take this seriously otherwise!
When none of that is happening, maybe it can play Whale Song or Sitar music.

-Come Here! (Why am I using exclamation points so much today?)
One big feature would be the “Come Here!” Button. You push this and the suit (with your kid inside) will automatically begin walking back to you.

-Knowing my little one, she will find this feature incredibly offensive, she will fight it, and she will loudly protest. So, right next to the “Come Here” button will be the “Shhh!” button (again with the exclamation point! Now it’s a thing. I’m sticking with it. Where was I?).
Oh yeah, the “Shh!” button. Mufflers in the cowl and face mask engage and the screaming gets muted right then and there. Perhaps you could set this to automatically kick in when the voice hits a certain level of decibels. This feature would be awesome at Church, restaurants and funerals, when you just want to use the bathroom without being disturbed.

-Time Out!
Then there will be the “Time Out!” feature…
This button locks up the suit, rendering it little more than a statue (with your kid inside) for a set amount of time, two minutes? Three minutes? Two Hours? Joking! I’m joking! (mostly joking)

-Iron Diaper!
This one matters less to me now that my little ones are potty trained, but still, perhaps “Iron Diaper” can be added as an upgrade. A corrupted diaper is removed and replaced with a clean diaper all from inside the suit. A little door on the butt opens up and a perfectly wrapped and bundled dirty diaper shoots out. Bonus points if it makes a “pop” sound as it shoots out. This can be turned into a game. With a little practice, maybe your kid can bend over and launch it directly into the garbage pail.
In addition, and I know totally unnecessary, but it would be very satisfying, if there could be cartoonish robotic arms with white gloves changing the diaper…just sayin’.
Then again, I’ve watched enough cartoons to know the hilarious mayhem those gloved robot arms can create when they go haywire.

-Clean Up!
This feature turns the Iron Kid suit into what is essentially dishwashing machine, except for kids. There is a garden hose attachment on the suit. Hook up the hose and push the “Clean Up!” button. Internal scrubbers and soap squirters* clean the kid up. Finish it off with blow dryers and your child is sparkling and…poofy** (again, like the cartoons).
*Apparently “squirters” is not a word. I think it should be, I’m ignoring that red squiggly underline.
**Same with “poofy”. Seriously? “Poofy” isn’t a word?

-Snack Time!
Somewhere on the suit there ought to be a hopper that can be filled with a snack of your choice, like cheerios or goldfish crackers. You can manually dispense the snacks, or set it up to automatically dispense the snacks.

-Where Are Your Pants?
Despite the suit, the kid will somehow manage to get their pants off and lose them. This will be an automatic feature where the suit will simply note where the child was when the pants came off and will lead us to that spot. That way we WON’T BE LATE FOR CHURCH BECAUSE YOU LOST YOUR PANTS!
Seriously! This happens a lot!

Anyway, please get back to me on this so we can discuss intellectual rights.
Sincerely,
Brooks McGrath
p.s. if you have any doubts about this product, feel free to visit us and spend some time with my youngest daughter. If nothing else, she will likely motivate you to fast-track this project.