“You don’t need drugs when you have a kid. You’re awake, you’re paranoid, you smell bad, it’s the same thing!”
-Robin Williams, Live at the Met

I recently received the wonderful news that a couple friends of ours will be having their first baby. I laughed a bit to myself as I thought about all the new and…interesting things they will be experiencing. I began thinking about all the things I wish I was told back when Lydia was born. Then I began writing. This is the result, this is the first in what might become a series: My Unsolicited Advice to the Dad-To-Be!
At the end of the day, my advice plus fifty cents will get you a postage stamp. That being said, I hope this helps.

Oh yeah. Congratulations to the three of you!

Let’s start with the fun stuff—the mess, the filth, the bodily fluids and other things:
Always assume the worst. Always assume there will be a digestive crisis. Always have backup plans in place. Pack twice as many diapers as you think you will need. Pack extra baby wipes. Pack a backup outfit because the yellow stuff will cross the horizon if given the chance.

The Yellow Stuff…
Newborn baby poop is disturbing. It is a sickening shade of yellow. It has incredible staining power, and it has aspirations of being a long distance voyager. Always have a onesie between the baby and whatever outfit is being worn. That onesie is the final stand between the yellow stuff and that really cute outfit your cousin bought. The neck hole on a onesie is designed so that you can remove it by pulling downward over the shoulders. This is incredibly handy when you don’t want poop smeared in the hair as you pull the compromised onesie off. This is a big deal to me. Had I known of this trick back in the day, so many horrible situations would have been avoided.
To that, always have a couple of gallon-sized Ziploc bags in the diaper bag. Someday you’ll thank me for that suggestion.
Poop is gross. Goes without saying. Right? No, you don’t understand. You can’t say it with the proper conviction yet. Poop is gross. It never becomes less gross. You just resign yourself to it, that’s all. I never thought it would get worse than the yellow stuff, then we began feeding them solid food and I began laughing at that naïve and foolish version of myself. You see “Poop” is a cute word! “Poop” is a cute thing created by a cute person. After the introduction of solid food, the baby no longer poops. The baby is now sh#tting.
Having said that, I have a theory that parents are more tolerant of their own kid’s poop than other kids poop. Maybe it’s because the food you feed them is the same stuff you feed yourself. Maybe it’s a tolerance developed by sheer volume. Or maybe our brains are just wired to be more tolerant of the scents produced by Loved ones. I don’t know which theory is closest to the truth, but I think the latter one is the coolest.
Who knows? All I can say is if you are like us, your own kid’s poop will (over time) make you shrug. Other parent’s kid’s poop is the most horrible thing ever.

This is a truly disgusting picture. However, if I were this Dad, I would probably be saying, “Meh. Thank God I’m not wearing a shirt and we’re at the beach! Go ahead Hun, have your laugh. Take the soon-to-be viral picture, then hit me with baby wipes. Looks like Junior and I will be going for a little swim!” It took a few years for that shrug-it-off attitude to develop.

As mentioned earlier, the yellow stuff can go great distances, and it stains every piece of fabric it touches. It’s an obvious stain, it’s particularly obvious to other parents. They will see it and think “Ah! A newborn was here!” I have perfected a method for dealing with clothing that has been touched by the yellow stuff. Annie has actually said “My Hero” after I victoriously held up a clean piece of clothing. If the stain dries, it’s pretty much going nowhere. Either you live with it if it isn’t that bad, or you push it off on a raft and launch a flaming arrow upon it
Here goes, first you need rubber kitchen gloves, REAL kitchen gloves, not those $1.50 pieces of garbage they have hanging in the household aisle. I’m talking heavy duty (or doody. Get it? Doody?). I’m talking gloves that can protect your hands from scalding hot water.
Why? Because of scalding hot water! Use the hottest water that comes out of your tap. Put on the gloves, stretch the stained fabric a bit and let the hot water get down into the fibers. You may want to help it along by rubbing the fabric against itself. Get the chunks out, reduce it to only the stain.
Then, use JOY Dish Soap. I don’t know why, it seems to me that Joy has always worked a bit better than all the other dish soaps. Again, let the soap get down into the fibers. Again, rub the fabric against itself. Then rinse it under scalding hot water again. Just make sure it is poop-free when it goes into the laundry. With a little luck and elbow grease, the corrupted onesie will remain a “leaving the house” onesie as opposed to the leprous huddled colony of yellow poo-stained onesies that you keep meaning to fold and put away.
Since I’m on the subject of diapers, here’s something we learned as rookies! Swim diapers are a real thing. If you use a regular diaper…how do I describe it? You remember those toys that would grow to gigantic proportions when put in water? That’s a regular diaper in the pool. It’s actually pretty funny!
Also, don’t allow a diaper to get mixed in with the laundry. You only make that mistake once. Three times. Well, more than three times. And it caused the same outburst of expletives every time.

Get a detachable shower head. It’s easier for just about everything. Including puke-covered bedsheets.

Nursing
When your wife is nursing, she’ll be getting up at all hours. Breast feeding is not always what it is advertised as. Those images you see: the peaceful, tranquil blissful bonding, baby’s nearly asleep, the mother has a Mona Lisa-looking expression of pure maternal contentedness…
Yeah, not so much. The latch doesn’t always happen, baby might not be in the mood. Her breasts feel like they will explode in a mushroom cloud of milk. Her nipples are raw and she’s not getting sleep.
Just…you know, just support her, give her room, and do everything you can to keep her happy. These are times that test a relationship.
Do NOT feel like you need to be up with her. This is no time for solidarity or chivalry. You two are a team, and sometimes that team needs to be a tag team. When she is up with the baby, you should deliberately try to get sleep. Two exhausted parents are less useful than one exhausted parent. Function over Form!
Get used to a vaguely milky scent in the house. Make sure to have a stockpile of milk pads for her bras. Your wife will have unplanned milk leaks. The nicer the outfit, the nicer the event, the more likely she’ll leak.
Don’t be a smartass with her during this stage because it won’t take long for her to figure how to squirt milk.

Washing the Baby
What’s the right way to wash the baby? If the baby is clean and still alive when it’s over, then you did it right.

Dealing with a large crazy (I mean that in a good way—mostly) woman
I’m just going to start by saying this: you truly have a beautiful wife. Folks are always talking about mothers-to-be having a “glow”. My experience tells me it’s true. One of my favorite pictures of Annie was taken when she was pregnant enough to use her tummy as a shelf. Have some professional pictures taken.
This is especially important because it’s likely that your wife will not feel beautiful. From her point of view, she will have a hundred reasons why she will feel ugly. It really isn’t true, Annie truly had a bit of a glow when she was pregnant. Thank God for the glow, because there are all sorts of hormones that will change her and her logic. You might question your own sanity. She might break out into tears for no perceivable reason. Small things will cause meltdowns (And now I’m having flashbacks of the “maple syrup incident” in our house). She will hate her feet, her ankles and her back. Honest compliments go a long way.

Final Thoughts
I know this piece is focused primarily on bodily fluids, and it sounds disgusting and daunting. It seems to me that all the warnings and advice given never quite illustrate everything accurately enough. There are things that happen that simply never get mentioned in polite company, things that are silently understood and inferred in the Parent’s Club. Honestly, it’s not that bad once you get used to it. Back in the day, I focused on these things because Annie has the carrying-the-baby parts, she has the feeding-the-baby parts. In the face of those impressive abilities, what is a Dad to do?
Support! That is what a Dad can do. I made myself the pre-rig crew, I was the one laying down the palm fronds as she entered the room. I made sure she had a blanket and TV remote within easy reach when she settled on her chair. I was the one making sure things were clean and ready to be used in a moment’s notice.
This is a messy, exhausting and disgusting gig. You will learn more about yourself and your wife than you ever thought possible. Your patience will be tested. Your lifestyle will be changed forever. But it’s easier to accept this new life because everything you think is important right now will shift a little. Your social life will take a hit. There will be periods of loneliness and there will be times where you swear you are on the verge of snapping. Never forget your friends are still there. Never forget why you did this. Never forget your child is the result of Love.
I suspect you are going to fall hard for this kid.
All these struggles and frustrations and tests and trials sound daunting. It is worth it. Two of the greatest moments in my life were when I looked into the eyes of my daughters for the first time. To this day, my “Magic Chest” is still a sure-fire way to calm them down, even get them to fall asleep. “Dad” is easily the greatest title I have ever been granted. Parenting is an honor and a privilege that is denied to many, a tragic many. It is worth it, but it will be hard to see that worth when you’re deep in the trenches.
When things get tough, find the nape of the baby’s neck, and take in the scent. It’s a little like a drug, it’s a reassuring scent that can make one feel more gentle, affectionate, patient and Loving.
You and your wife make a wonderful couple, you two have a great attitude, and you two have an easy laugh. Those attributes are possibly more important than anything else! You two will be encountering some of the most ludicrous and hilarious moments in your life. Do not lose your humor!