I write an awful lot about parenting and part of this gig involves following a few parenting forums. One of these forums is Dads-Only. It’s huge – as in tens of thousands of members. I find this group fascinating. Without really meaning to it gives me a pretty raw and organic view of how fellow males think and what matters to them. This group offers a great cross-section of male society in a global way. If Moms were allowed to observe this group, I’m sure they would find it pretty eye-opening.
I’ve reached many different conclusions about the male condition, about the human condition since becoming a member of this group. One, there is a lot of unhappiness, loneliness and bitterness out there. Two, conditional Love is tragically common. Three, it seems that grammar is not taught at the same level as it used to be. And four, (this is the encouraging one) there are a lot of kind, gentle, brave and Loving males out in the world.
Occasionally there are posts that make me want to reach through my laptop and slap the man who wrote it. Here is an example: A Dad was out with his wife, kids and mother in law for lunch. Lunch wrapped up and he got up to pay while his wife, kids and in-law went out to the car. As he left, he noticed his wife had forgotten her purse. He walked past the purse, went outside and told her she forgot her purse. He had her go back in to retrieve it. I’m guessing this caused some sort of an argument, one that prompted him to post about it, asking, “What would you do?” I think he was seeking some backup.
He didn’t get the backup he was seeking
My thoughts represented the majority, I would have grabbed Annie’s purse on the way out. But I’ll get to that later.
Before I began scrolling through the couple hundred comments. I asked myself, “Why would he make this choice?”
First I want to address what I tend to think are the rules and male attitude toward purses, or at least how I was raised and my mentality concerning purses. My Dad taught me to stay away from the purse. Be a little scared of the purse, give it a wide berth. It’s sacred territory. Touching the purse is tantamount to building on ancient burial grounds, and anyone who has seen the movie Poltergeist knows what happens when you do that.
Respect it, this is her exclusive territory. If something must be retrieved from it, get permission. If she appears to forget it and you notice, mention something to her before she is more than ten feet from it. Otherwise, grab it for her. I have been married for thirteen years, and I can count on one hand how many times I have reached into Annie’s purse, and it’s always because I had no other option, and it has always been an understandable situation when I told her later. “Oh! Okay. I was wondering how my lip balm ended up in that pocket!” (Wha…what???)
Other than that, I stay away. The way her things are kept in there make no sense to me, and I do not want to be the jerk to mess up her system. I mean, misplaced lip balm piqued her attention!
I think this, in varying forms, is a universal thing. Men are a little scared, or at least reverential, of their wives’ purses.
Perhaps the reason he decided to leave her purse behind is simply that he didn’t want to be perceived as feminine by being seen carrying a purse.
After I reached my theories, I scrunched my sleeves, refilled my coffee, took a deep breath, and began scrolling the comments and my suppositions appeared to be pretty accurate.
This guy was not backing down.
Here’s the part where I would have commented but didn’t because this was an active post and I just didn’t feel like dealing with the notifications. Dude! Are you really that insecure and stupid?” First let’s just address the logistics. Purses are a popular target for thieves. It’s so popular that we’ve named an entire type of thief as a “Purse Snatcher”. It has her wallet, her driver’s license, her credit cards, cash, and her phone. There are insurance cards and all sorts of other exploitable items. Maybe even some set-aside cash for your birthday gift! Why would you deliberately leave that thing unguarded to go tell her she forgot it? Think about the effects on her life, your life, if that purse was snatched. This guy, in an attempt to defend his position stepped deeper into the manure by claiming something like, “She forgot it, if her stuff gets stolen, it’s her fault.”
Again, I don’t think the comments went as he was hoping.
You two are in this together! Her fault/your fault? In a marriage…in a HEALTHY marriage, with each passing year of dedication to the other, as the Love deepens, “her fault/your fault” starts to look increasingly juvenile.
Who cares what people think? So you were seen carrying a purse out to your wife in the parking lot. First, do you really think anyone will actually notice? And, assuming someone does notice, do you really think they will say, “Ha! Look at the girly guy carrying a purse!” No! They will more likely think, “Oh, that husband is retrieving her forgotten purse.” Then they will eat a couple more French fries and forget about you.
If nothing else, you’re a freaking hero! “Hey Hun! You left your purse back in the restaurant. Here it is!”
“Oh my GAWD! I can’t believe I did that. I was so focused on getting the kids strapped in and everything. You are the best! Thank you so much!”
That’s right. Hashtag winning, hashtag awesome husband, hashtag my man has got my back, hashtag tonight I am going to do something very special for him after the kids are in bed.
You want to know other things I won’t blink at? I also wash her undergarments, and I have no issues with going to the store and picking up feminine products for my wife!
The cashier is likely thinking more about how the gum he or she is chewing is become stale. If the cashier actually notices what I bought, he or she will probably assume that they are not for me—you know, that whole, not-female thing I have going. If they promptly notice the ring on my finger, they really ought to deduce the whole thing. But again, it’s more likely that it won’t be noticed.

I was encouraged by all the comments on that post, this guy was piled on and rightly so.

There is a bigger picture here. Perhaps there is an even bigger picture than the one I just mentioned. In this age of the internet and of social media, instant gratification has become a thing, narcissism has become a thing, and a pervasive sense of selfishness has become a thing.
With all of this, it’s possible that the trials and tribulations of a Loving relationship are becoming outdated and mocked. The selfless partnership of Love is beginning to sound like it is becoming a foreign concept.
I would have grabbed my wife’s purse without a second thought. Why? Because I know how important that bag is to her everyday life. I would have done it because I do not want to live with the consequences on our shared life, should that bag disappear. But the most important answer to that question is because I Love her.
We’re in this together. We are here to prop the other up. We are here because we have each other’s backs. I take great comfort in knowing that if I were to make a similar mistake, she would do the same for me.
It’s more than simply retrieving a purse. It’s the thoughts that go behind retrieving the purse. It’s an act of Love. It’s letting her know that there is someone watching out for her. As an aside, if we want to bring in the politics of family, then how can this not be a good thing for the Mother-In-Law to witness?
I have always said this: Be the kind of person you want your children to marry. This act of support is (hopefully!) one of thousands of great examples for your children to witness.
In the end, just be a good person. Be helpful. Be supportive. Take every opportunity possible to be kind—with your wife and with everyone.
Buddy, you’re married. You are raising kids, you are not one of the kids. Check your selfish tendencies, set aside your ego. Be an adult. Be a good man. Grab the purse and return it to your tired and distracted wife.