“His destructive programming is taking effect. He will be irresistibly drawn to large cities, where he will backup sewers, reverse street signs and steal everyone’s left shoe.”
-Dr. Jumba, from the Disney movie Lilo & Stitch

For those of you who have never watched the movie Lilo & Stitch, it is a movie about an alien, or rather a creature, created in the laboratory of mad scientist Dr. Jumba. Stitch was designed to cause chaos and destruction. That’s all you really need to know for the purposes of this piece. I recommend watching the movie. I laugh out loud every time I watch it. These days, there’s a little irony in my laughter.

Let’s go back a few weeks. Annie’s doing something in the kitchen. The girls are curled up together on the couch, watching something on Lyd’s tablet, and I was running late for work. Tools, check. Coffee, check. Laptop, check. Oh yeah, my wallet. I left that on the corner of the coffee table. And…it is not there.
“Annie? Have you seen my wallet anywhere?”
“Nope!” She called from the kitchen. “Where did you last have it?”
“On the coffee table…the very one I’m staring at.” I checked my backpack and straightened up again, “Okay! If anyone has an idea as to where my wallet is…please let me know!”
Silence
“It’s not in the kitchen Babe! I’m looking!”
I stared at the girls, engrossed in the tablet. Crap…I’m going to be late. I began rummaging through the living room, nothing. “Lyd? LYD! Thank you. Have you seen my wallet?”
“Nope.” She went back to her show, Reggie kept watching.
Crap crap crap. “Reggie?” Silence, “Reggie?” still more silence, “REGGIE.”
“What?”
“Do you know where my wallet might be?”
“Yeah. It was here on this table. I moved it to keep it safe.”
I blinked. “Where did you move it Hun?”
“I put it in the box under my play desk.”
(You’re ****ting me) I turned to her desk, swept a princess dress aside, and there was an old cigar box. Inside, was my wallet.
“See Daddy? It was safe the whole time. You welcome.”
“Wha…what Hun?”
“I said you welcome. Say thank you!”
“Thanks…yeah. Thanks.” I turned to head out the door before having another thought, “Reg?”
“What?”
“You heard me asking about the wallet, why didn’t you answer earlier?”
“You didn’t ask me, you asked Mommy and you asked Lydia.”
I rubbed my temples, wiped some sweat off my forehead and took off for work.

Yesterday, I was parked in the pick-up line at Lyd’s school. I decided to send Annie a text,
“Will you be stopping anywhere before heading Home from work?”
“Wasn’t planning on it. What do we need? Can it wait?”
“After supper I’ll run to the Dollar General, I’ll grab dish soap and a belt. My stupid belt is still missing. I’ve been wearing one of your belts for two days now.”
Annie replied, “I’m not meaning to be funny here, but have you asked Reggie where it is?”
I looked up from my phone into the kiddie mirror. She was playing in the back of the van. I let out a heavy sigh and rolled my eyes. “Reggie?”
“What?” (I always laugh a little at how she says “what?”)
“Have you seen my belt anywhere around the house?”
“Yes.”
My eyes widened, “You have?”
“Yeah, I put it somewhere safe.”
(Ever loving!) “Where?”
“It’s by…uhm. I can’t tell. I’ll show you after we are Home.”
Sure enough, after we got Home, she led Annie and me straight to a little nook between the wall and the side of the kids bookshelf and handed me my belt.
“I put here to keep it safe.” She turned to Annie and went on, “He’s been wearing your belt. He’s a funny guy!” And she walked away as Annie suppressed her laughter.
This is simply one of the ten thousand ways she causes chaos around our Home. She also randomly stacks items, and she’s been known to rearrange the two kitchen drawers she is allowed to “look in”.
I can’t help but wonder when all the left shoes in our Home will disappear.
This is an irritating little habit being revealed with our little hoarder. I can’t be angry with her yet. She truly thinks she’s helping out, and she remembers where she stashes everything and happily informs whoever might ask. I am also not yet alarmed, but I’m sure I will be sooner rather than later. As of yesterday, I officially consider this a trend, and since then, I’ve started noticing tiny stashes throughout the house. Little bits of jewelry in one corner. A reclaimed container where she keeps found coins, and a stash of Lydia’s toys. Maybe she isn’t as messy as I previously thought. Apparently this is deliberate. Now I’m starting to wonder if I will somehow ruin Reggie’s day by picking up the house.
“I know she hides my toys Daddy. I’m at school anyway, I’m not playing with them. I just don’t want her to break them. Please don’t let her play with my gift ems collection.”
“Lydia, that is a sweet thing to say. I’ll keep your Gift-things safe from her.”
“ems”
“Huh?”
“Gift Ems”
“Oh. Okay.

I’d like to see if this is a phase before I take any action. However it begs the question, she, so far, to my knowledge, has stashed two of my everyday items, I literally do not leave the house with these items. Does she have stashes for my non-everyday items? How many small and missing items of mine does she have? How much crap will I find when we pack up and move from this place?
Even more alarming, what if this is not a phase? What if her diabolical little mind develops to the point where I’m being faced with a ransom? I’d give it four, maybe five years before that starts happening.
I paused in my writing, thinking about her ransoms.
I better end this piece right now…I’m starting to get mad at her about things she hasn’t even done…yet.