“He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man” Dr. Johnson October 31st, 6pm… We were somewhere around Lodi, on the edge of a cornfield, when the candy began to take hold. I remember saying something like “I feel a bit light headed, maybe you should walk….” And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like giant bats, all swooping and screeching and…
I was parked in the pickup line, the van was turned off, Reggie and I were waiting for Lyd and the barbarian charge of children to come flooding out of the school. This has become a valued part of my day. Reg brings a couple toys along, she’s occupied. There’s no dirty laundry in the van, no dirty dishes, and I am not staring at my computer screen with my fingers hovering over the keyboard. I get to break out…
It was a devastating day. We rode home together in practical silence. We had arrived Home and managed to maintain our composure for the babysitter. Lydia was watching some kids program in the living room. After the sitter left, Annie began trying to cook supper. I was leaning against the kitchen counter, arms folded. Then the dam burst. One of us said something, who it was, what was said doesn’t matter. All I remember next was that my arms were…
“Hey Sweetie! Did you have a good nap?” “Yeah. I pooped.” “Oh. That’s too bad. I’ll change your diaper. Next time, try to let me know so I can get you to the potty. Okay?” “Okay.” She suddenly became exasperated, “I just don’t know why I always poop.” “Food.” “Food?” “Yes. Poop used to be food. You eat food and your body turns it into poop that comes out the other end.” “You mean my butthole.” “Yes.” (sighing heavily) “Your…
“His destructive programming is taking effect. He will be irresistibly drawn to large cities, where he will backup sewers, reverse street signs and steal everyone’s left shoe.” -Dr. Jumba, from the Disney movie Lilo & Stitch For those of you who have never watched the movie Lilo & Stitch, it is a movie about an alien, or rather a creature, created in the laboratory of mad scientist Dr. Jumba. Stitch was designed to cause chaos and destruction. That’s all you…
I was busy, I was focused. I was loading up the van for Annie’s Farmers Market booth. My to-do list was best expressed in chapters that day. “Here Hun! Here’s the big bin of crayons, here’s a coloring book” (and she was no longer underfoot). I grabbed another crate of jars and stacked it in the van. The whole time, I was muttering to myself about how heavy jam and pickled products are. Plus I was thinking about the two…
Have you ever heard of Alice Roosevelt Longworth? She was the only Daughter of President Teddy Roosevelt and his first wife Alice. She was stubborn, defiant rebellious and deviously intelligent. Teddy once caught her smoking, “You are forbidden from smoking under my roof!” Hours later, he found her smoking . . .on top of the Roof. She is credited with the phrase “If you can’t say something good about someone, come sit right here by me.” In an era where…
It was strawberry season, Annie brought eighty pounds of strawberries home and we waited. Friends showed up, then more friends, then family appeared. Together we sat around an outdoor table and hulled all of those strawberries so that Annie could turn them all into a variety of different gourmet jams. We celebrated our accomplishments afterward with slow cooked pork sandwiches and cocktails. I slipped away during a lull in the conversation to look out at the empty lot next to…
“Daddy?” “What’s up Hun?” I replied as I stirred her oatmeal. “Reg and I were playing restaurant, I was trying to show her how to carry a plate and she didn’t want to do it that way.” “Well, perhaps you should let her carry it her own way.” “She did it wrong! And then she got mad at me and pushed everything off the table!” I put down the spoon, I put both hands on the kitchen counter and counted…
One thing that consistently irks me is the time-honored convention of Dads being clueless bumbling buffoons. The perception is beginning to die off, but it still pops up every now and then. I suppose it’s time for me to address another one: The hyper protective boy-hating Dad of a Daughter. This image has appeared on my time line many times over the years. In the beginning I would just roll my eyes and continue scrolling. But each time, I found…