Rare is the evening where my brain’s eloquence matches my tongue’s eloquence. I just had one of those evenings.
My youngest, Reggie, is…how do I put it? She’s a strong-willed child, a spirited child. Who am I kidding? She can be a major jackass at times. She’s also a sweetie! But she has a natural talent for pushing buttons and she exploits this talent often.
My oldest, Lyd is for the most part a much better behaved kid. She’s more complacent, she’s a little easier to discipline. Don’t get me wrong, she’s no angel either. But a dirty look from me leaves a much greater impact on Lyd’s demeanor than it does Reg.
If Lyd does a good job of getting ready for school, she gets rewarded with free time, she can do whatever the heck she wants to do. Sometimes it involves a specific toy, sometimes she just stretches out on the couch with a favorite book. Over 90% of the time it involves making art.
Reggie will go out of her way to make this as miserable as possible for Lyd. She’ll sneak up and scatter her paper all over the living room or she’ll sneak in with a crayon and scribble all over whatever it is Lyd’s working on.
I know right? Jackass!
She gets plenty of time-outs for this, and progress is being made, she gets a little better at leaving Lyd alone every day.
This evening, we’re approaching bedtime. Reggie is playing with Annie’s digital thermometer, it makes a beeping sound and Lyd’s quietly sitting at her little table making art. They are leaving each other alone! Amazing! So amazing that I was actually considering letting them stay up for an extra half hour.
Until Lyd made a bad decision.
Lyd could not ignore that beep. Lyd had to have a piece of that action. She kept asking Reggie, to let her give it a try, Reggie ignored the requests. Lyd began demanding Reggie hand it over. She pulled the “big sister” card, she cited some made-up rule about getting her turn. She was getting nowhere with Reg.
(Heavy sigh) I told Lyd to leave it alone. I told her to get back to her artwork, Reggie’s going to get bored and put it down before long then she can have a go at the beepy thermometer.
The allure of the beep overpowered my wise advice. Lyd began whining. Her demands for the stupid beepy thing were becoming shrill. The situation would not end, it was beginning to escalate.
“That’s it! I proclaimed! Early bedtime! Lydie! Upstairs! Brush your teeth, pick up your stuff when you come down. Reg, Time-Out!”
After the time-out, the tears and the screams, I stood them side by side to explain why this is all happening. I gave Reggie a brief talk about becoming a little more generous with her sharing. “You don’t have to share Hun, you actually don’t, but it is the kinder thing to do. Start thinking about it—dismissed, go ask Mom to wipe your butt, something about you doesn’t smell very good.”
Then I turned to Lyd.
“Lyd, what is it you want more than anything when you are making art?”
“For Reg to leave me alone.”
“Right! And was that happening tonight?”
“Yes.”
“And you threw that all away because you had to touch the beepy thing.” She stared at me, I was not getting through, “But I repeat myself, you had the very thing you have always wanted, and you gave it up because you wanted, not needed, you wanted to touch the beepy thing.”
She began crying.
(Love you Hun, I know you’re upset, but I am really in no mood for the waterworks right now. Fine, come here for a hug, but I’m not going to tell you everything’s fine, ‘cuz it’s not.)
“Fighting is the last thing you should ever do. It should be your final option. You need to think, think very hard about what it is you might be fighting over. And when you fight for the wrong thing, everyone loses. So, What’s more important to you? Art? Or the Beepy thing?”
“Art.”
“And what did you fight for tonight?”
“The Thermometer.”
(Yes! It’s a thermometer! Whatever! Stop correcting me!) (deep breath)
“Did you win?”
“No.”
“Did Reggie win?”
“No.”
“Correct. Now the two of you are going to bed early…and I was actually thinking about letting you two stay up. You both lost. So next time you are thinking about fighting, you need to ask yourself what is actually important to you, if it is indeed the thing you want to fight over, then proceed to the fight. If not, remind yourself of what’s important, then move on. I’m sorry the night is turning out like this. I do Love you.”
“I Love you too Daddy.”

I’d like to think she learned something tonight, however I’m ready to teach her this lesson a few more times.
To quote my wife, “Is this the hill you want to die on?”