When I’m reading a good book, I tend to become increasingly despondent. Even more so as I approach the end of the book. I’ve been transported to a world, and I know that I will not be ready to leave that world.
Since becoming a Dad, my life has become (at least to me) a pretty good book, and I’m fast approaching the end of a chapter.
Lydia, my “Bug” will be a third grader. Instead of walking Home with me, she is beginning to favor the company of her friends and cousins after school. “I don’t want to hurt your feelings Daddy!”
“You’re not hurting my feelings Sweetie, but I would appreciate you being honest. Would you rather walk Home with them from now on?” For a solid minute the only reply I got was her chewing on her lower lip and twisting her thumb.
I’ll take that as an honest answer.
I’m happy and proud to see her assuming more independence. But I won’t lie, it does hurt a little, it’s not her fault. Her only sin is that she’s growing. Moments like that make me want to sweep her up and squeeze a couple years off her age. I want to bring her back to when she was still a tiny little kindergartner, when I was the most important thing in her life, not one of the most important things in her life.
Anyway, yes. Go out and play with your friends. Don’t forget to look before crossing the street—oh. You know that. Then don’t talk to strangers. And…you know that too. Fine, keep an ear open when we call you in for dinner.
There. Lyd’s gone. Where’s the other one? She’s staring at me. She’s twitchy, she’s losing her mind to cabin fever.
You see, Reggie was born within days of the first day of school that year. During a parent-teacher conference when Lyd was still in Kindergarten, we discussed when to start Reg’s education.
“Her brain is sharp, that’s not the issue. She will either be the youngest or the oldest in her class. I think I’d rather she be the oldest.” Annie stated.
“I think that might be the better option as well.” Lyd’s teacher agreed.
I didn’t speak to it but as I sat in the comically tiny chair, my jaw was clenched. Annie and I had this discussion a number of times prior to the conference and I was resistant. I agree that keeping her back for that year was a good idea, I truly agree, I see the bigger picture and I cannot really argue with the logic. But as a Stay-At-Home Dad, I need to live with and deal with this little girl–and her voracious and defiant little mind as she gets smarter and more bored with the passing weeks.
My prediction was true. She is bouncing off walls, she is swinging from chandeliers, she is a force of nature. I am beyond excited to hand her off to her teacher for three hours a day, four days a week.
My hands are resting on my knees, I am panting, “Please! Take her!”
Then she climbs up on me and presses her ear to my chest. “You’re good for snuggling, Daddy.” My little baby is going to school.

“I’m scared no one will like me.” She exclaimed when we brought up the subject.
“Is she being honest when she says that or do you think she’s being dramatic?” Annie asked me later.
I sighed, “She’s being honest. She may not have the words for it, but instinctively I think she knows she’s different. She knows she’s an acquired taste. She knows she doesn’t go with the flow, she knows her defiance. She’s got a good point. Her entire life, she’s been watching her charismatic sister skipping around spreading joy and fairy dust. Regina is not like that. She’s never had a problem being who she is, in fact she is strikingly self-assured. But in the next few years, she’ll be tested. She won’t have as many friends as Lyd, but the ones she’ll have will matter deeply.”
Annie’s eyes turned shiny.
She might have a strong sense of self-identity, but she still sees me as Superman.
“Daddy, you are the strongest guy in the world.” Regina said to me one morning.
“Thanks Sweetie!” I replied, “I’m also kind of handsome too. Right?”
“Yeah. That too.” She said, smiling.
The S on my chest is a little more faded in Lydia’s eyes. In fact, I am looking more like Clark Kent to her. Later that day, “If you can just turn on Netflix, I can take it from there.” she said, aware that I struggle to navigate those menus. “You forgot this, you forgot that. You almost bumped your head. Oh Dad.”
“Oh Dad.” She said, with a generous coating of pity and exasperation. I’m not appreciating that tone, and by the way, whatever happened to “Daddy”?
Her take on me is notably different than her younger perceptions which were more in line with Regina’s. It seems this Clark Kent look might be a permanent condition. I don’t need to tell her I’m tired anymore, she can tell. The fatigue and resignation I carry on my face and in my shoulders is as obvious as Lyd’s tendency to chew her lip and twist her thumb when faced with a quandary. Yes. It’s true. Daddy is a flawed man, just like everyone else.
But Lydia, I’m not yet ready to leave this little world. So…please do me a favor and just look at me one more time like I am invincible again.
Just one more time before this chapter ends?