Love, Abundance, Gratitude, Ann In A Jam, The Book. Annie and I say these things to ourselves and to each other every day.

Last week, my phone chimed. Annie, in her usual humor was all over it, “Hey! Who texted you? You can tell me! Could it be…your Lover?”

“Heh. Nope. It’s work…again. Another gig. Tuesday. Can I fit it in? Can you take on both of the girls that day?”

“Yes I can take them on that day. And yes, it can be fit in.” Annie stared at me, noticing my bloodshot eyes and grey complexion. “But should it be fit in?”

I dully snapped out of my fatigue-fueled zone-out. “Should? Well yes. It should be fit in.”

“Okay, I’m just sayin’.” She paused, looking worried, “You’re exhausted, Babe.”

“I can handle a couple more weeks of exhaustion. The work season will end soon and abruptly. I want to get as far as possible from the debt we just paid off.” Realizing how I was sounding, I softened my tone, “Love, Abundance, Gratitude, Ann In A Jam, The Book.” Annie smiled back, I went on, “We focused ourselves, our thoughts, our energy on those things. This? This is Abundance. We were hoping for a lottery ticket! Instead, my work took off. We didn’t get what we wanted but we got what we needed. That’s the abundance. That’s a gift. And you should never reject a gift, always accept it, always be grateful. I am being grateful by accepting the work. I am tired, but the work season is nearly over, I’ll have the time to rest soon enough.”

“You’re right. But I am worried about you.”

I smiled back, grateful to have someone worrying about me. “To have a dream, you need to be asleep. To make the dream come true, you need to be awake.”

That was a conversation Annie and I had last week. We were coming off of a tough winter. The sales for her business, Ann In A Jam, were slow following the holiday rush. My work dried off like it typically does in the early months of the year. We had a stress-inducing debt hanging over us. Annie’s Lyme disease had a flare-up every time the weather changed (and it changed a lot). Finally, I had a bad case of Writer’s Block. We were fast approaching depression, destined to just marinate in it.

One night, after the girls went to bed, we were being couch potatoes, binging on some Netflix when Annie broke the silence, “We gotta think about this differently.” That’s how an important conversation started.

Here’s what I have come to more deeply realize after that conversation: the bad is easy to find. The bad is in the foreground. It’s scrolling across the television, it bombards social media. It’s banging on drums and blowing on horns. The bad is invading your personal space with obnoxious dancing and garish outfits. The bad wants you to overlook the good.

 

“We have a roof over our head, two beautiful daughters. We’re in Love.”

 

The good is there, it’s always there. The bad is up front, trying to prevent us from noticing the good. We decided to start noticing the good and to start focusing on it. Call it meditation, call it prayer, call it what you want. We decided to focus on our Love for each other, our daughters, our family and our friends. We focused on abundance—of anything, money, food, blessings, any and all good fortunes. We focused on being grateful for whatever abundance we got. We focused on Ann In A Jam, her business—her dream. We focused on my book, my writing—my dream.

 

“I got that wonderful letter about the pickled beets I made last fall.”

 

Sure enough, things did appear to improve. I say things “appear” to improve because I can’t say whether or not our positive outlook actually caused these things to happen. Honestly I think these things were always there, the only thing our improved outlook did was expose those things.

 

“You cranked off that wonderful piece last week, and you had that great idea with the chapter about spring.”

 

Our marriage has survived so much over the last fourteen years, most recently, a debilitating lifelong disease. It has opened up new routes of communication, our honesty with ourselves and each other had an impressive upgrade.

Two years ago, we decided to pursue our dreams in earnest, together. I think it took us this long because our marriage had to be strong enough to endure such life choices. It took us this long to focus on the blessings.

 

“Lydia won that P.E.A.C.E. award, which is basically an award for being a good person. She was nominated by her classmates. How wonderful is that?”

 

A few days ago, I was editing a chapter. I looked past my laptop to see Lydia at her school laptop plinking away at her math homework. Annie was sitting on the floor, labeling jars while reading a book to a curled up Reggie.

I stared, taking the whole thing in. This is a beautiful moment in a beautiful life. It’s actually always been a beautiful life. I am grateful to be truly noticing it.

Gratitude.

Good things are coming our way, some bad things too, and we’re excited to meet them all, because bad makes the good better. But for those things: the blessings, the things to be grateful for, it takes work, it doesn’t have to be hard work, but it must be very deliberate work.

So, how have I been? Well, it’s May. It’s the busy part of my work season, the Farmer’s Markets are all opening up, the schools are suddenly awake and sending notifications for themed days, class picnics, school concerts, and retreats. Reggie has a dance recital coming up. I’ve been exhausted, overworked, under-slept, and worn dull. I’ve been eating fast food. I’ve lost track of what day it is and our house looks like it was hit with an indoor tornado.

And I’m struggling to recall the last time I was this consistently happy.

Love, Abundance, Gratitude, Ann In A Jam, the Book; to ourselves, to each other, every day.