Minivan Conversations Vol I
Lydia had goats on her mind, “Did you know that goats make milk?”
Annie replied, “Yes I did know that.”
“We could own a goat, and we won’t have to buy milk again. We could also make cheese with the milk.”
“I know that too. Good idea!”
“And the goat could eat the grass so that you won’t have to mow grass.”
I spoke to Annie, “I’ve said it a few times, I’ll say it again, I think I’d be perfectly fine owning a goat.”
“Not me, their eyes creep me out.”
“I think their eyes are one of their coolest features. I don’t know…I’ve always been charmed with goats.”
“So long as I don’t have to be the one to take care of it (Jinx! She’ll be the one who will bond with it) and I don’t want one of those huge freaky looking four and six horned goats like we saw at that petting zoo. Those things give me the shivers.”
“Okay…so you do not want giant multi-horned goats. Noted.”
“If we get a goat, I want it to be a little one, a cute one. The ones that make the screaming sounds and pass out all the time. Could we get one of those goats?”
“Did you even have to ask?”
Lyd spoke up again, “And it can keep the grass short!”
Annie’s attention snapped back to Lyd, “Yes! That is also true. However, the goat will poop everywhere. You don’t want goat poop stuck to your shoes as you play in the yard, do you?”
Lyd was silent for a few minutes over this issue. “I have a new idea! I will invent toilets for goats!”
“You want to potty-train goats?”
“Mommy! Don’t be silly. You can’t potty-train a goat. They’ll just use the potty.”
“But…how…?”
I interjected, “Annie, step away from the Rabbit Hole.” Then I muttered, “Perhaps goat diapers?”
Annie muttered back “Brooks, you’re not helping.” Turning her attention back to Lyd, “Of course they would use the potty. What was I thinking?”
I muttered again, “As if people don’t think we’re weird enough already. Someone would come visit and as they’re walking up to the front door, out of the corner of their eye, they’d see a tiny screaming goat sitting on a toilet.” The visual nearly caused Annie to spray coffee out of her nose.
“Mom? Can we get a goat someday?”
“You know what? We’ll revisit that idea when we get to that point in our lives.”
“Thank you!” (Wait! We did not say yes to a goat!) Lydia suddenly looked concerned, “But…what if we accidentally get a boy goat? How will I know the difference between a boy goat and a girl goat?”
I turned to Annie, hissing, “Rabbit Hole! You’re sliding down the Rabbit Hole.”
“Uhm…uh…the boy goat would have a penis” (Dang it! She stepped right in it) “and a girl goat would have… an udder.” Annie looked at me, at first satisfied with her reply. Then she began to realize that I was staring at her, “What?” She snapped, “It’s an honest answer!” She was silent for several moments before admitting, “You know, I could have just left it at udder.”
Lydia was pondering the whole concept, “A penis? That’s right! A penis! (say “penis” one more time Lyd) I can tell by looking for a penis or an udder. I bet goats have really big penises.”
“What?”
“Yeah. I bet goat penises are bigger than udders. Most animals have bigger penises than udders. Udders are tiny. Except cows. Cows have big udders.”
“Sweetie? I think you mean…nipples? Or maybe teats? Because girls have more than one nipple while boys have only one penis.” (Wow…she just keeps digging in deeper, doesn’t she?) I could smell the regret on Annie’s breath as she said those words.
I spoke, “Unless it’s one of those multi-horned goats”
“Shut up McGrath.”
“Why are you telling Daddy to shut up?”
“Because…”
“Yeah Annie…why did you tell me to shut up?”
“Because he was being a smart alec.”
“Daddy! Stop being a smart alec!”
(there! I navigated us out of that one!)
“But…why do boys have only one penis?”
(aaaand we’re right back in)